Still hanging in there...

It is August 27th.. I have lined up other doctor's if next week does not go as planned. I am through playing games... More next week.. very frustrated.. feeling betrayed by being lied to..

Just waiting and learning patience...

Well it is now Aug 21st and I have found out that the Shrink that said she sent the letter to my doctor saying I was good for surgery has lied to me and said I was better than earlier for surgery and that we had 2 more appointments lined up. SOoooo..... I am not happy with her and very frustrated. I have done so much with this doctor's office though that I don't want to quit now BUT if I don't get results by the 1st when I see the nutritionist then heads will roll or I will go to another doctor. I still like my protein shakes and am taking all my vitamins that I need already.. now talk about expensive.. sheesh..

Just maintaining my weight...

My info is now getting submitted to my insurance company for approval of my surgery. I should hear something within 2 weeks. I am still eating good and have lost 14 pounds so far... boring I know but not much else to say but that I am wanting to get the surgery over with. It is very frustrating having to do all this...

I have lost 14 pounds so far

I am finding out that food was my friend.. an evil friend. I was not eating to put energy into my body but for a quick tasty feel good moment. Once the ice cream or sweet was gone.. I just wanted more since the tasty experience was also gone. I have come to look at food as a way to put healthy nutrients into my body. I have been taking my vitamins and got my calcium today. I have lost 14 pounds all together and my paper work is being submitting to the insurance for approval. Should find out next week my surgery date and go on the all liquid diet for 2 weeks before the big day. I also found that I tend to want to eat when not hungry when I am tired. More later as I get more news.. just walking and watching all I eat.

And we go merrily along..

It has been awhile but alls that I am doing is walking, drinking shakes, and monitoring my food intake. I have lost 3 pounds every week now for 3 weeks. I bought the Vanilla and the Cookies n Creme OH YEAH! powdered shakes. They taste okay. The vanilla is alright but kinda bland but will be good in the long haul so that I don't get tired of the chocolate. The cookies n creme is better than vanilla but not as good as the chocolate but once again, it will keep me from getting tired of the chocolate. I have found that if I put some ice and water in the bottom of the shaker and then the powder and then add more ice and water, that it mixes better. If I put the powder at the bottom, then some sticks to the bottom and if I put it on the top, then some seems to stick to the top of the lid.. so middle it is! I bought three 2.2 pound jugs with 21 scoops per jug is enough to feed me for 3 weeks if that is all I eat! That isn't bad for $100! But I did buy some TV dinners too and spent about $22 on them but got low calorie, low fat, and high protein dinners that will last me 2 weeks if I eat one a night. It is so nice not having to think about what I am going to cook for dinner! I LOVE it. I don't need to pack a lunch either and since I like the shakes, I don't mind having them for work. I did bring string cheese and yogurt for breakfast today too though.

I am finding out that the more I walk, the less my calves hurt so that is good! I still am not thrilled about walking and really need to get a book to read while I do it. I am bored more than anything... wierd, huh?

Full steam ahead!

Okay so I didn't lose weight on 'their' scale but the one at work is still showing I did. I looked it up and maybe, just maybe it is because I last weighed myself in the morning there and this time I did it in the afternoon. Well, I am determined to show her (the nutritionist, Susan) that I can lose weight! I started by having a banana and a drink for breakfast and a drink for lunch. It is now after 6 pm and I am getting hungry but I think a shake will do it. I am going to go to lunch with peeps from work due to them paying for a Perfect Attendance luncheon and we are going to a Mexican restaurant, which just happens to be my favorite food in the whole wide world. Soooooo how do I order food in a restaurant? I am thinking a salad, oh yum.. NOT. I will just not eat all the chips & tortillas and watch the carbs and fats. I won't eat dinner tonight, just have a shake and just a shake for breakfast and dinner tomorrow and that should cover it. It is just too bad we can't have Margaritas at lunchtime on the company! LOL...

I have upped my walk time to 20 minutes today. My legs are getting so much better and I was actually tired from walking instead of stopping due to leg cramps. I also slipped in 8 minutes at break! Tomorrow I plan on walking home and will not only walk it off but sweat it off due to the heat! It is only a 20 minute walk from work to my apartment. I am hoping to start walking in the mornings to work too... that would get me in 40 minutes of walking per day!

OH, and on a side note, I have found out that excess protein that you put in your body tends to want to stay put, as it were... and I was told to get lots of fiber so that my green eyes don't turn brown! Next trip is to get some Metamucil so that I don't have to go through that stage of unhappiness!

I have worked out some stress in my life as well today so I am feeling very good emotionally and mentally. Due to stress being one of the reasons I want to eat, I am going from here on out to resolve any conflicts I have so that I can move on and not dwell on crap I don't need to trouble myself with. Taking care of myself is number one so that I can do this and better my outlook on life and get not only healthy physically, but also mentally & emotionally. It all ties in together and it is listing your priorities to get the job done correctly so that I won't have to do it over again from step one!

Discouraged

So still seeing the nutritionist and was very disheartened that it showed on her scale I lost only 1 lb where at work is shows I lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks. I mean what is up with that? Soooooooooo... I still have to work at losing more weight before I can get approved for the surgery. I am only going to eat one meal a day and just drink the shakes for now to lose it and walk more... I am just so depressed over this but I won't let it get me down and out! I will just do better and not eat or drink anything next time I see her! LOL... no really, I have been good, counting my calories and protein. I have cut way back on my diet cokes since carbonation will be a thing of the past after surgery. OH.. I still love my chocolate shakes by 'Oh Yeah!' and plan on payday to get the other flavors too. If I get the power and make my own, I get 21 scoops for $34 where for $32 I get 12 cans ready made. The pre-mixed has lots more flavors but they are just too expensive for me! Hopefully the flavors will come to the powered too.

Been doing a lot of thinking and wondering just what am I doing! I am going to have a surgeon cut most of my stomach off and make a wee little one that will make me eat less for the next 6 months. The rest is up to me! I am getting impatient to get the surgery over with and get on with this but that just doesn't seem like the plan. My doctor's office sent over my medical records and weights and have a confirmation that it was sent yet somehow it didn't make it into my folder. Soooo I have to get that done again and hopefully it will find it's new home where it should be. I was to see the nutritionist in 2 weeks but she doesn't have an opening for another 3 weeks so it looks like I won't have surgery in mid August like I wanted... So I am now shooting for mid September.

What another day brings...

So I have been drinking the protein shakes not because I should but because they taste so frickin good! I was like so surprised! I bought that shaker cup, put the whisk ball in, then ice, water, and a scoop of Oh Yeah Chocolate Shake powder and shake it up good! I really get into it and then I let it sit while I do my treadmill workout! I shake it some while walking.. and let it set. You see, I have bout filled it up with ice so I am letting it melt and make the shake ice cold! YUM! I then shake it once more when done walking and add a straw and enjoy.

Blogging... I have noticed that my blog is rather boring and not as pretty or busy as other blogs. I have added some blogs to follow that I think are upbeat and have an optimistic look on life. Everyone needs some way to find their own silver linings to their everyday encounters. I read one blog where I was totally able to connect to her personality and saw how she wrote was just wonderful! So I hope to spice this one up some in the following days.

One of the other blogs I read was about loving your inner-self and the inner-selves of others. I totally believe in this and it is nice to see such a young woman have that much energy promoting the thought to others.

I walked, counted calories and protein, and ate pizza today. Oh well... I just need to keep on going.. I guess telling yourself that you can reward yourself for losing weight by counter-acting that achievement by eating unhealthy is like giving an alcoholic a bottle of whiskey on his 30th day of no drinking! So, back to square one with my mind over food and don't beat myself up.

Making progress....

I have bought the blender cup that is a shaker cup with a whisk ball to work and am having shakes for lunch. I am still eating my Greek yogurt for breakfast and fruit for both breakfast and lunch. I LOVE the taste of the Chocolate Shake made by "Oh Yeah!" that is high 32 gm powdered protein drink. It is really good-n-tasty. My walking has improved and my calves are getting better and not hurting so much. So far so good! It is nice to feel my clothes getting a little looser and am looking forward to losing more weight. Sleeping hasn't been good lately but I contribute that to working a lot of Saturdays in a row and I am off my schedule. Next week I am quitting the carbonated drinks. The carbonation stretches out your stomach and it is not really good for you with all that acid and caffeine. I like water so water it is. I drink at least 32 oz a day after work and will be drinking 64 oz a day at work once I cut the diet coke out.

I have been doing more thinking on eating and how I look at it. It is kinda like putting fragrant lotion on my skin since it smells so good but I find I have to use so much more to get my skin as smooth as the less than fragrant lotions. So, is it really worth it to smell the lotion for a short time and have to replace it more often or just get the one that actually does the job and buy perfume for the fragrance. Eating good tasting food that is unhealthy has an immediate taste gratification that eating healthy less palatable foods do not.. but do I want to work harder to get the weight off just for that taste or do I want to eat healthy and lose weight faster and learn to get instant gratification through pride of working out and losing weight? That is why I think losing weight is so hard since it takes so long to see big results.

Writing down all that I eat is a hassle and a half. You have to admit to yourself what you ate and figure out what it cost you in calories, fat, and protein. It also lets you see where you can improve and how much more food you can eat that is low fat, calorie, and carb compared to the unhealthy foods. So I have to decide now that I get a set number of calories of how I am going to spend them. Should I ride it all on a Big Mac, Fries, and drink super sized or eat 4 times the food by volume before getting to my limit of calories. I just ask myself, "Is it really worth it?"

Protein Drinks...

Alrighty then.. to get the protein you need to survive on the low calories resulting from the surgery, you are told to drink protein drinks.. oh yummy... I have been looking and reading labels and looking at prices and reading reviews.. and then seeing that there is a whole slew of protein drinks out there. I have a list from the Nutritionist and I know what needs to be in the drinks to cover all the bases such as calorie and protein statistics. So, now that it is getting near, I go to the place where a girl at work goes and I buy my first 2 pound jug of powdered drink. Of course I bought Chocolate to start with. It is called Oh Yeah! and made right here in Charlotte, NC (I figure it should be fresh then!) Was thinking of mixing it with ice to make like a shake that would be cool too but I also bought the shaker cup to mix it with water at work too. It has a little whisk ball in it that mixes it better when you shake your cup. I longingly look at the 12 pack cases of the ready made stuff but found that the powder was about 1/3 the cost! So, powder it is. I am about to go try it but there is not much I can do if I don't like it seeing that I have 2 whole pounds of the stuff!

At work 3 girls and myself also joined a Wellness Challenge that our work sponsors. I weighed in at 137 last Monday and 134 this Monday... soooo.. I have lost more weight!! Yeah!! I tell you, just do some exercise then eat and you will not be as hungry! On the treadmill today I was also able to up my walk time from 5 to 8 minutes during break and 5 to 10 minutes during lunch! I was proud of myself for being able to go longer with my legs not giving out so soon so I guess it is helping to walk every day. I plan on walking home from work Thursday if it isn't raining, which takes me about 20 minutes. It is so hot though I don't know if I should... I could jump in the pool once I get here and cool off that way! Hmmmm.. sound like a plan to me.

I have been reading labels too.. Did you know that a piece of meat that is the size of a deck of cards has about 20 grams of protein??? Seeing that I am a meat eater, I was happy to find this out since I have to eat between 60 to 80 grams of protein a day. Protein also keeps you from getting hungry faster but you still have to watch the fat so I need to pick lean meats. I have found bacon is NOT a lean meat! LOL... I feel that eating healthy actually is letting me eat more food with a lower calorie count since pretty much all veggies that are not sautéed in butter or fried in grease are dirt low in calories. I also like to eat kidney beans plain and will experiment watching a movie to use them like popcorn! Little bits of food to pop in my mouth that is good for me. I do know that you should only put in a bowl what you want to eat so that you don't over eat buy placing the whole bag near you...

Nutritionist

I forgot... I see the Nutritionist again on the 20th of July and she said on the 7th that we will be going over my liquid diet I will be on before the surgery. I am probably going to have the surgery in the 2nd week of August if possible. That way I still get my commission from work.. LOL... I will be out 2 - 3 weeks so that might even cover Labor day! I plan on trying some of the protein drinks this next week. It will have to have at least 20 grams of protein per drink and be somewhat tasty! I will be getting my chew-able vitamins and calcium supplements this week too. I will start taking my before pictures this week also.

Exercise.. and exercise.... and...

Okay, so I have been exercising by walking on a treadmill. I have the incline set at 6 so I won't get shin splints and started at 5 minutes at 1.8 m/h. I got up to 5 minutes at 2 m/h and today I made it for 10 minutes at 2 m/h. Okay, so 10 minutes at a time isn't all that great but I am improving and that is what counts. My calves give out before I do so going 10 min all at once was great! I have walked home which takes just under 20 mins but I am limping by the time I get there. I am planning on buying the Wii fitness and do that too since I can combine my love of games with exercise. I can then reward myself by playing a sit down game only after I do a sports game. It will be a few months before I get one though... As far as they say if you exercise you have more energy, it is true from what I am finding out. Went to the store after work last night and walked all through the store several times.. actually like 5 times looking for healthy food. I really like the Greek yogurt that doesn't have any fat in it and was on sale and I bought a few TV dinners that are good for calories and protein. What is real nice, is that they are easy to cook and I don't have to figure out all the calories/carbs/protein stuff.

I lost 5 pounds

Well.. I have been exercising at work working up my stamina and watching what I eat and by their scales I have been gaining weight! I have been very discouraged but then I had my appointment with the nutritionist and found I have lost 5 pounds. I am now to figure out the calories, fat, protein, and carbs in each meal. I am to eat 60 - 80 grams of protein a day and about 300 calories per meal. I am planning to get my protein mix and vitamins next week and stock up on more string cheese and Greek yogurt. I have a team of 4 co-workers that are trying to lose weight too so I have that added support! I find I am wanting to snack on stuff... I am not hungry nor do I really care what it is. I just get up and doing something that gets my mind off of it and that is working pretty good. I am having issues with ice cream however. Here it is summertime, very hot outside, and I can hear it calling my name... So far so good.. but I am about to change my name! LOL Was around my sister-in-law on the 4th of July and she smokes but I just went into the pool and ignored her best I could. How can one person have so many vices that are not healthy? I am just taking each day for itself and praising myself for each hour I resist temptation!

Okay... this is hard!

So here I have been watching what I eat... writing it all down.... and what happens but they are giving away free ice cream sundaes at work!! Chocolate, Strawberry, or Carmel syrup, Whipped Cream, and Nuts!! So.. out went the will power and in went the ice cream... Now I feel guilty as all heck and ask myself if it was worth it! I am still thinking on it... However, when I am walking that is when I really ask myself if all that greasy fattening food was still good, and then the answer is easy, NO WAY! I am looking at losing 100 pounds or just about 1/2 my body weight and I am sure my back will love me for it! Good thing is that I have upped my speed on walking and doubled the duration before my legs give out. Did I mention that my calves cramp up and then I am limping after a short walk? Well, I am hoping it gets better. I was told to drink Tonic Water every day by my Doctor... and the Nutritionist said to eat a banana. I am thinking of a Gin & Tonic with a twist of Banana... Kinda sounds good but then Alcohol is readily absorbed by the body straight into what I am trying to get rid of and there is no diet Gin that I know of.. so I guess just the banana & tonic will have to do.. I will let you know how that goes later! I am getting more energy where I am tending to walk a whole lot faster when I am walking and I am not content to just sit for hours and hours.. I want to move so that is real good. Went swimming for a bit today and I walked a lot in the water and stretched a lot too! I will be doing more of that too. It was very relaxing... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Exercise

Alright, they say you need to exercise to lose weight. On October 6th of 2008 I had 3 surgeries on my left foot so that I would be able to walk. I had a bad heel spur removed, a tendon cut and 1/2 a bone removed from a toe so that I would be able to exercise. I didn't anticipate that recovery would be as bad as it was! So now, a year and a half later, I no longer limp and am walking again. I have been going slow so as not to put my body into shock and keel over! I have been using the treadmill at work and walking on it during my break. It is only 5 minutes before my calf muscles lock up but I am doing it! Well today I was able to add after my 5 min walk on break to a 10 min one at lunch. I also have the treadmill set at an incline of 6 or 8 so I won't get shin splints. I have raised my walking speed from 1.8 to 2.5 now so that is getting better too.. Now I know I am not doing enough exercise yet, but I am working up to it and am very proud of myself! I know that exercising relieves stress, makes you sweat, and raises your metabolism. The 2 things I need to do is relieve stress and raise my metabolism. A lot of people also don't realize that muscle burns a whole lot more calories than fat does so turning fat into muscle makes more fat go away! I also found out if you exercise right before you eat, you won't want to eat as much because the workout you just did let you know what eating does to your body if you eat more calories than you burn... I am finding with just the little exercise I am doing has me where I don't want to sit as much and that I want to move more. This is where they say you have more energy if you exercise.

I have been writing down what I eat every day and thinking of how it tastes and what it is doing to my body. Mentally I am evaluating how much I eat now and how much I will be eating after surgery. I have come to understand that I place way too much importance on what I eat for taste than for nutrition. I have gotten cravings for sweets or just more food and asked myself, 'do you really want to eat that and have more to exercise off?' So........ that helps keeping me from adding to the problem and then I get up from where I am at and do something and then the urge passes. But I do have to tell you, they sure do have a lot of food on TV!!!

A few days later...

Okay, so I have quit eating the yummy stuff. I like the Greek yogurt and the string cheese is good too! I have been working up my walking slowly. I haven't moved in way too long so I don't want to kill myself before the surgery. I have been putting the treadmill on a high incline so I won't get shin splints. My calves are still cramping up but I have gotten up to a whole 6 minutes straight walking and I have been doing it at a fast pace too! I am finding that I want to eat when I am not even hungry to just do it. I am still trying to figure out why. I am not bored but I guess a lot of it is just habit. I know this will be hard but I can do it and be stronger for it. I have quit smoking and drugs so what is eating except that I can't just stay away from it. There were donuts brought in at work, the soft sweet crispy creme ones and I didn't even have one! So it is a day by day thing but every time I pass up temptation, I tell myself how good I am! My will power is not the greatest so I will be hurting but then nothing worth doing is easy. I just tell myself how much I hate wearing the clothes I do, or just look in the mirror and see my ugly fat and that is enough to keep me going. I don't want to feel embarrassed anymore going out in public! Here is to me and my first days getting started.

What to eat...

So I went to the store and went food shopping. Everything is fattening it seems. I bought a lot of fruit for Yoshi and me to eat for the next few days for breakfast and lunch. I have some chicken in the freezer I will do something with tomorrow. This may be harder than I thought. I guess I was real tired today because I got up around 8 am which is late for me and then fell back to sleep around 9:30 and didn't get up again till 2:30! Wasted my whole day sleeping. I am hoping I am not coming down with something though since I do tend to sleep a lot when I am I will just try to go to bed earlier. Need to exercise more though. Went Monday but haven't been back since. I walked real fast through Hobby Lobby, Michaels, and AC Moore yesterday looking for some golden cording I needed and that got my legs aching so that was good. I will work out after work tomorrow though. During lunch yesterday I went up and down the stairs a few times and felt that in my knees and behind my thighs. My left heel is not stretched out yet so that was a little painful. I even ate a salad today, and if you know me, I don't eat salads... LOL.. Just have to keep trying though.. I did walk by a stand that had free s'mores and that was good since I have always wanted to taste one!

Eat to live, don't live to eat!

Today is the first official day of my new life!

First off, I am way over weight with a BMI of 45 and have been trying to lose weight ever since I was 21.  I keep gaining more weight every year, diet after diet, and have put my foot down to stop the cycle.  The first step was to correct my left foot so that I could exercise.  I had real bad heel spurs and other issues with my left foot which resulted in having 3 different procedures all done together on Oct 6th 2008 to get me walking again.  It still hurts with weather changes but I don't limp anymore!  woo hoo.   I have done my research, have gotten all my paperwork in, met the surgeon, and am now just waiting for the insurance to okay the Roux-en-Y-gastric bypass surgery to lose weight.  I am probably looking at having it some time in July.  

I am starting my journal since I started my exercise program today and today is the last day for enjoyment of food and carbonation.  I am adopting the *eat to live, don't live to eat* motto!   My mother told me this when she was trying to lose weight many years ago.  

My mental awareness...

I have thought this over and have come to realize that I look at food as entertainment.  A quick way for comfort and enjoyment.  Just throw a snack or something yummy in my mouth for a fast way to feel better by the taste of the food itself and not because I am hungery.  I don't want to get my enjoyment anymore from eating but rather from living!  I have become sluggish, lazy, and just don't want to be around people anymore.  I am ashamed of myself, I feel others think that I am repulsive for being overweight, and want to hide from everyone.  What my goal is to be able to feel better about myself, not tire out while walking in the grocery store for 20 minutes, and to be able to wear high heels again with clothes bought off the rack.  To do this, I am adapting a different way of looking at food.  It is just gas for my engine and if I over fill my tank, it is just being wasted.

My physical regime...

I went to the small exercise room in my apartment complex.  It is not a long walk to the exercise room with about a 12 step stair leading down to the sidewalk which goes about a forth of the way around a pond to the pool area where the exercise room is located.  There are 2 treadmills, 1 bicycle, a stair stepper, a skiing machine, and free weights with a bench.  There is also a flat screen TV too but I took a book to read.  Taking it easy on my first day, I walked on the treadmill for a whole 6.5 minutes and then the bicycle for about 7 minutes.  Not much of a workout but I stopped when my legs were hurting since I didn't want to over do it.  It is a start though and every day I will get better and better.  I love to weight train so I will put a bit of that in my workout too.  I want to tone up while I lose my flab so it won't look like I just melted and it slid downwards!  LOL  My goal is to exercise 6 days a week working up to 40 minutes a day and if I am not cooking & eating then I will have plenty of time to do this.  I have figured out that right after work works best and helps reduce my stress level as well.

My nutrition...

The surgery calls for a protein drink diet for 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after surgery.  I am told that after the surgery my tastes for food will change.  I will not be able to tolerate high sugars, fat, fried, or carbonation.   I will have to take chewable vitamins twice a day with a calcium supplement as well for the rest of my life.  Since my stomach will be much smaller and part of my small intestine will be removed, not only will my intake of food be greatly reduced but also the means to absorb what I do eat.  Now, believe it or not but I hate eating breakfast and lunch at work.  I don't like to pack it, I hate trying to plan for it, and then I usually end up just nibbling all day on it, which is not good!   I am going to get the shakes early and see if I can just do them at work.  It will be easier and will help me keep on track.  I am, as I write, drinking my last diet coke.  I will be switching to just water for now.  I like to drink water so I don't see that as a problem.  What I see as a problem is staying awake in the mornings without my caffeine!  LOL..  My body will adapt and with my exercising I am also hoping to increase my metabolism which will counteract the lack of energy from a decaffeinated low calorie diet.

This journal will be my way of making me log everything, keep exercising, and keep me honest.  I will also be taking pictures to log my progress.   

This was one heck of a long post!  I guess I had a lot to say on my first day...